[with a z] ...

the proverbial box

i have always known that i am different. not necessarily special, just different. it has always been hard for me to think inside of the box, for example. i grew up with absolutely no one in my family of origin understanding me and was often ridiculed or dismissed as precocious and independent, and more than once, i was called strange. i felt awkward in most social situations and was more comfortable around adults than children. to me, most children were loud, too rough, and never engaged in any sort of activity that i wanted to participate in – even though i was their age. as an adult, i continued to hear remarks like “she came from a different mold” and began to realize that this was something i would simply have to deal with – being different.

so what is so different about me? it took me a long time to figure out. apart from some personal idiosyncrasies like not liking water on my face, an inability to tolerate loud noises, perseverating on one topic or project incessantly, interrupting people in conversation and in class, blurting out answers to problems before anyone else had a chance, having a hard time making [and keeping] friends, possessing a very strong need for order, having certain taste, touch, and smell aversions, and finding it a chore to listen to others long stories and/or feel empathy for them at times, i seem pretty normal.

throughout my life these characteristics have been given many names and/or diagnoses and many postulations have been made as to why i possess them. turns out none of them were right… until recently.

several months ago i was told that i had many manifestations of asperger’s syndrome [they actually called it asperger's disorder but upon doing a lot of research i found that it is not actually deemed a disorder but rather a different way of thinking, comprehending, interacting and seeing the world]. basically,  my brain was/is wired differently and all of the things i listed above were/are considered normal for someone with this condition. i also learned that asperger’s syndrome is a form of autism and high-functioning “aspies” often do not get diagnosed because they usually have a high IQ and have figured out [by adulthood] how to make their uniqueness work for them.  In fact, a lot of famous, albeit often called eccentric people, are believed to have had this syndrome.

Wilkopedia states that Michael Fitzgerald, of the Department of Child Psychiatry at Trinity College, speculated the following were autistic [or aspergerian] in The Genesis of Artistic Creativity:

• Writers – Hans Christian Andersen, Lewis Carroll, Bruce Chatwin, Arthur Conan Doyle, Herman Melville, George Orwell, Jonathan Swift and William Butler Yeats.
• Philosophers – A.J. Ayer, Baruch de Spinoza, Immanuel Kant and Simone Weil.
• Musicians – Bela Bartok, Ludwig van Beethoven, Bob Dylan, Glenn Gould, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Erik Satie.
• Painters – Vincent van Gogh, L.S. Lowry, Jack B. Yeats and Andy Warhol.

and yes, I realize that wilkopedia is not the best [or even a valid] research site but it was the first one to come up when I googled “famous people with asperger’s”, so i will use it this time.

in the midst of this new knowledge of myself, i discovered a single attribute of asperger’s syndrome that explained so much of my difficulty with people in this world, schools of thought and why, the reason why, it is so hard for me to keep my mouth shut [or in my case, my keyboard locked] when i perceive something to be untrue or unjust. evidently, aspies have an overdeveloped sense of justice [i still do not understand how a sense of justice can be overdeveloped].

the resident expert on this syndrome is tony atwood. his site has a lot of good information and links that can be very helpful to an aspie or the people who interact with them.

so anyway, why did i bother to post this? information on asperger’s is all over the web, especially with the recently renewed interest in autism awareness. the reason is simple. since i have discovered a framework within which to understand myself and others, i have greatly improved in my ability to interact with others and allow for “their” differences.

having asperger’s syndrome is not a hindrance to me, my diagnosis [and i am hesitant to use this term as it implies a disorder] has been a significant turning point in my life and the understanding of it a big help.

outside looking in