[with a z] ...

power surge temporarily disables introvert

edvard munch’s “the scream”

i am an introvert. according to the myers-briggs type indicator, that means i get my energy from within. and what that means is that no matter how much i like them, people, especially extroverts, draw energy from me. a simple concept with many implications….

case in point. last night i totally lost my mind. i mean lost as in, it wasn’t there. i could not think. i could not remember anything. i was literally walking in circles. my mind felt fried. why? my introversion?  asperger’s? anxiety?

well, the day started with me being a bit stressed because i had friends coming over  [a couple and their 4-yr-old child] . i do not really have people over but i had been to their house so much and they had been so gracious that i knew it was “my turn”. plus, the guy was going to look at and fix the brakes on my volvo saving me about a thousand dollars. ok, so that much i figured i could handle, and if the kids played nice and quietly, might even enjoy. i pictured my friend and i sitting peacefully on the couch, her husband at work in my garage and the kids upstairs cooking imaginary food in the play kitchen.

this did not happen.

the couple [both extroverts] appeared stressed when they got here. they were bickering and going in and out  of the door taking turns smoking [i hate smoke and the noise of doors opening and closing]. but, i really count these people as friends so it was fine. the man soon left to get his tools [which he had forgotten] and change clothes and was to be back in about 20 minutes. he did not show up for several hours, leaving his wife upset and in a worse mood. to add to that, the poor woman had a headache. we tried to watch a movie but the one she chose was pans labyrinth and i had forgotten it was subtitled. neither of us felt like reading a movie so that ended quickly.

i failed to mention that just a few minutes before they arrived, my 22-year-old daughter [another extrovert and at times, drama queen] called and needed rescuing from a restaurant about 30 miles away… telling me she was stuck for 5.5 hours and she hated her life and needed a ride. i told her i had company coming [who did not have cell phones] and i could not get away, making me feel a bit guilty and even more anxious. i am sure a bit of this was normal maternal worry – the rest just me.

meanwhile, back at the house, we were still waiting for brakeman to return and our kids started playing very loud and running up and down the stairs. i corrected my usually very well-behaved son and she tried to calm her daughter with no success. at the same time, my 11-year-old daughter returned from a sleepover with a friend and decided that they would both hang out at our house. this involved a loud walkie-talkie that her friend carries everywhere, periodic giggling [which is not bad but added to the already rising noise quotient] ,blaring songs from the internet and more door opening and closing and stair running.

about that time, my best friend called me from out of state telling me she was feeling down. i was really concerned about her but the day had already rendered me feeling unable to help or even talk much. she knew i had company and hung up quickly although i told her it was ok which, through absolutely no fault of hers, added to my guilt, stress, and mounting anxiety.

ding, dong. ding dong. what now?  a lady i did not know at the front door. it was my daughters friend’s mother who had decided [very nicely] to come over and introduce herself. i invited her in and attempted to include my other friend in our conversation but felt very pulled and distracted as we talked. she stayed about 45 minutes during which time my other friend was making multiple phone calls to her husband [in the same room] asking where he was and pacing back and forth.  about that time the kids came down hungry. my daughters friend’s mother left and then brakeman came back, without tools or supplies, saying he couldn’t get the brake parts because he was $1.98 short. i then had the option of packing up everyone in my house and going to the store myself or just saying forget it. i said forget it and made plans to do it later.

more smoking.

more doors opening and closing; sometimes slamming.

i think i was beginning to act like a senior with dementia.

i fed the kids, offered to drive the couple by the bank [long story] and left my daughter cooking ramen, which at the time of my departure, she had already messed up by putting the pasta in before the water boiled and so i had to help her start all over…

i got in the car; happy to be alone with my son and no one else. then… my cell phone started ringing. omfg i thought i was going to literally go crazy. i managed to get through the bank thing, get home, get my kids in bed, shower, and then stare blankly at the tv for about 5 minutes before falling fast asleep.

today, i feel physically beat-up, my mind is less than alert [and that is an understatement] and i have absolutely no energy. i honestly think i am going to have to regulate my social interaction [especially with extroverts]. that seems so horrible but i do not seem able to function with such overload.

oh yeah, and the printer broke. twice. grape jelly fell on my almost-white carpet. and my son’s adorable but rambunctious playmate tried to saw my white walls with a toy tool. oh, and the drilling! i almost forgot about the drilling. the kids were playing with toy drills all day and this loud wiggles guitar; something my son never cares much to play with when he is alone. errrgh.

obviously, this is a venting blog and one that i am sure is more for me than anyone else.

even writing this was exhausting.

so now, i am going to take my son [who starts preschool in 2 days yay!] and grab a coffee, plan nothing else for the rest of the month, and try to recover.

if anyone involved in yesterday’s circus reads this, know i love you but i have some idiosyncrasies that if i do not respect, leave me pretty much disabled, if only temporary.

i posted the song below because a quiet mind is what i need now and i can honestly say my husband is one of about 3 people on earth that has this effect on me. the other two should know who you are.

this is actually lipsync to blue october; but all the concert videos are terrible as well as the anime ones.