[with a z] ...
such frivolous things as manners …
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i know, i haven’t blogged in a while. i’ve decided that i am a popcorn blogger; someone that decides to blog when an idea, thought, or reason pops up, in other words, sporatically. i admire people who blog daily, monthly or even regularly but that’s not me. so, today i had a thought…. actually, it’s been in my head for awhile now but i have never felt the urge to write much about it until now. i wrote a similar blog a while back but this one is a bit more simple, straight-forward and to the point. it’s about manners. first of all, let me say that manners are not frivolous. manners do not beg interpretation. unlike many things, there is an unspoken yet globally agreed-on set of basic rules that are the very least that we, as members of the universal society , can do to assist in spreading just a little bit of civility, peace, and respect throughout our world. it is the first and foremost step to humanitarian action. manners are essential in a human society. i do not understand why some people feel like the use of them are optional. technically, i guess one does have the freedom to choose whether or not they engage in mannerly behavior but i simply do not understand anyone who would choose not to. are they trying to make a point that nobody dictates anything to them? are they trying to make a point to the person to whom the manners should be directed that they do not acknowledge, appreciate or respect them? do they have some sort of impairment or disorder such as attention deficit [a.d.d.] that interferes with their memory every single time they need to make an effort?
specific manners differ around the world. however, there are certain actions of primary decency inherent in every society that have evolved for the survival of the species which include peace, respect [funny how that word keeps coming up] and a general sense of just “being nice” that is internally or even externally based, in some people’s situations, that is necessary in the global community. having experienced numerous occasions where some he or she did not even bother to be mannerly, i have come to the conclusion that people like this are either mentally challenged [they simply do not and cannot understand], egotistical, immature, manipulative, or just plain mean. i can no longer give excuse to store clerks who do not greet their customers in a pleasant manner, to friends that fail to communicate at least minimally, to anyone that receives a gift [relished or not] and does not issue some form of thank you, to children that address their parents inconsiderately, to those fake nice people who use tone and facial expression to insult, or to any of the many people out there that somehow, somewhere decided not to practice this basic human survival tactic. in addition, it is my view that people guilty of being non-mannerly should apologize [another basic human survival tactic] to the person to which they acted upon such a way. i have a theory, supported by research [it is late, i will be glad to provide sources upon request later], that natural selection is still occurring. who do you think will be the ones to survive? the mannerly or the non-mannerly? i don’t think the answer to that is even a question. if you do not have manners, you may get away with it for awhile, with people to whom you’ve convinced you have a valid reason for acting in such a barbaric way, but in the end, you will have fewer friends, less respect in your family and community, and most probably, less satisfying marriages and i would leap to surmise, less successful children than those who practice being mannerly . those with manners have succeeded in the first step of looking beyond themselves and it is these people and their bloodlines which will endure through the process of natural selection. social behavior is as important as physical attributes, mental prowess or emotional awareness. there is a song entitled ‘only the strong survive‘. true human strength is a combination of many elements. so think about it. are you mannerly? is there someone you need to go back and make things right with because of your dis-mannerly conduct? do people respect you or have a lowered opinion of you because of your lack of polite ways? do you evenlike yourself? perhaps you need to garner respect for yourself before you can even begin to take the baby step of branching out to be respectful of others. don’t wait; if you do, you might find yourself “voted off the island“.
there simply is no excuse for this kind of rudeness and to me, that is exactly what people who do not practice proper manners [whether they feel like it or not] are; simply rude. i was on a social networking site tonight chatting with a gentleman from yorkshire. he asked me what i liked so much about england in contrast to the united states [i had made several comments to that effect on my profile]. one of my answers was simply manners. to take it a bit further, think of maslow’s heirarchy. basic needs must be fulfilled before one can move on to attaining lesser needs and eventually desires. it is the same with manners. if a person never learns to be mannerly, they will simply become stuck within thier own selfishness and be unable to progress through the social conventions designed for success, fulfillment and joy. i do not know about you, but i would not want to spend my whole life missing out on those things i wholeheartedly admit that no one is perfect; i am sure i have offended a few people in my lifetime and i have tried to make things right, general statement right here and now, i apologize. the thing is, our world is what we are. a lot of people out there are trying to make it better. they moved past this manners thing a long time ago. these are the people that are changing our world. musicians like bono, coldplay, greenday; organizations like oxfam, amnesty international , and conservation international; politians like barack obama [obama’s angels]; independent groups like the elders. how does it make you feel to read about all the things these people are doing while you refuse to utter so much as a simply thank you? please, don’t brag about “going green” or volunteering at a homeless shelter if you don’t have the decency to be a proper human first. in summation, i could rant on for hours about this and tell you stories you would not believe but i wi’ll end for now. i am sure you have gotten my point. if you are one of these un-mannerly people, do yourself and our world a favor… look past yourself and start in on the manners. you just might find it brings more to you than you put out. thank you for taking time to read this blog. i felt it was important and feel much better having had my say. good day!
find out about yourself
rudeness, interrupted: are you rude?
helpful hints
dealing
reward yourself
i practice good manners T-shirt
*note: there is a plethora of great books out there on manners; one of my favorites is “Miss Manners: Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior”, but remember, you have to read it, not just use it as a home decor accessory
Tags: ADD, adhd, advice, advise, angels, aspergers, attention, barack, basic, behavoir, best, blog, bono, books, challenged, chris martin, coldplay, communication, conduct, conservation, coworkers, culture, cultures, curtousy, cutes, decency, deficit, dido, earth, England, excruitiatingly, excuses, fail, family, forget, friends, frivolous, global, going, good, green, greenday, guide, heirarchy, helpful, highest, homeless, human, humanitatiran, inherent, international, island, job, manners, maslow's, mean, mentally, miss, natural, needs, nice, obama, off, oxfam, peace, people, practice, president, proper, quiz, rant, rating, relationships, remember, respect, rude, rudeness, selection, simple, social, species, States, succeed, survival, t-shirt, thank, the elders, U.S., United, universal, US, voted, websites, world, you, yourself, youtube
power surge temporarily disables introvert
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edvard munch’s “the scream”
i am an introvert. according to the myers-briggs type indicator, that means i get my energy from within. and what that means is that no matter how much i like them, people, especially extroverts, draw energy from me. a simple concept with many implications….
case in point. last night i totally lost my mind. i mean lost as in, it wasn’t there. i could not think. i could not remember anything. i was literally walking in circles. my mind felt fried. why? my introversion? asperger’s? anxiety?
well, the day started with me being a bit stressed because i had friends coming over [a couple and their 4-yr-old child] . i do not really have people over but i had been to their house so much and they had been so gracious that i knew it was “my turn”. plus, the guy was going to look at and fix the brakes on my volvo saving me about a thousand dollars. ok, so that much i figured i could handle, and if the kids played nice and quietly, might even enjoy. i pictured my friend and i sitting peacefully on the couch, her husband at work in my garage and the kids upstairs cooking imaginary food in the play kitchen.
this did not happen.
the couple [both extroverts] appeared stressed when they got here. they were bickering and going in and out of the door taking turns smoking [i hate smoke and the noise of doors opening and closing]. but, i really count these people as friends so it was fine. the man soon left to get his tools [which he had forgotten] and change clothes and was to be back in about 20 minutes. he did not show up for several hours, leaving his wife upset and in a worse mood. to add to that, the poor woman had a headache. we tried to watch a movie but the one she chose was pans labyrinth and i had forgotten it was subtitled. neither of us felt like reading a movie so that ended quickly.
i failed to mention that just a few minutes before they arrived, my 22-year-old daughter [another extrovert and at times, drama queen] called and needed rescuing from a restaurant about 30 miles away… telling me she was stuck for 5.5 hours and she hated her life and needed a ride. i told her i had company coming [who did not have cell phones] and i could not get away, making me feel a bit guilty and even more anxious. i am sure a bit of this was normal maternal worry – the rest just me.
meanwhile, back at the house, we were still waiting for brakeman to return and our kids started playing very loud and running up and down the stairs. i corrected my usually very well-behaved son and she tried to calm her daughter with no success. at the same time, my 11-year-old daughter returned from a sleepover with a friend and decided that they would both hang out at our house. this involved a loud walkie-talkie that her friend carries everywhere, periodic giggling [which is not bad but added to the already rising noise quotient] ,blaring songs from the internet and more door opening and closing and stair running.
about that time, my best friend called me from out of state telling me she was feeling down. i was really concerned about her but the day had already rendered me feeling unable to help or even talk much. she knew i had company and hung up quickly although i told her it was ok which, through absolutely no fault of hers, added to my guilt, stress, and mounting anxiety.
ding, dong. ding dong. what now? a lady i did not know at the front door. it was my daughters friend’s mother who had decided [very nicely] to come over and introduce herself. i invited her in and attempted to include my other friend in our conversation but felt very pulled and distracted as we talked. she stayed about 45 minutes during which time my other friend was making multiple phone calls to her husband [in the same room] asking where he was and pacing back and forth. about that time the kids came down hungry. my daughters friend’s mother left and then brakeman came back, without tools or supplies, saying he couldn’t get the brake parts because he was $1.98 short. i then had the option of packing up everyone in my house and going to the store myself or just saying forget it. i said forget it and made plans to do it later.
more smoking.
more doors opening and closing; sometimes slamming.
i think i was beginning to act like a senior with dementia.
i fed the kids, offered to drive the couple by the bank [long story] and left my daughter cooking ramen, which at the time of my departure, she had already messed up by putting the pasta in before the water boiled and so i had to help her start all over…
i got in the car; happy to be alone with my son and no one else. then… my cell phone started ringing. omfg i thought i was going to literally go crazy. i managed to get through the bank thing, get home, get my kids in bed, shower, and then stare blankly at the tv for about 5 minutes before falling fast asleep.
today, i feel physically beat-up, my mind is less than alert [and that is an understatement] and i have absolutely no energy. i honestly think i am going to have to regulate my social interaction [especially with extroverts]. that seems so horrible but i do not seem able to function with such overload.
oh yeah, and the printer broke. twice. grape jelly fell on my almost-white carpet. and my son’s adorable but rambunctious playmate tried to saw my white walls with a toy tool. oh, and the drilling! i almost forgot about the drilling. the kids were playing with toy drills all day and this loud wiggles guitar; something my son never cares much to play with when he is alone. errrgh.
obviously, this is a venting blog and one that i am sure is more for me than anyone else.
even writing this was exhausting.
so now, i am going to take my son [who starts preschool in 2 days yay!] and grab a coffee, plan nothing else for the rest of the month, and try to recover.
if anyone involved in yesterday’s circus reads this, know i love you but i have some idiosyncrasies that if i do not respect, leave me pretty much disabled, if only temporary.
i posted the song below because a quiet mind is what i need now and i can honestly say my husband is one of about 3 people on earth that has this effect on me. the other two should know who you are.
this is actually lipsync to blue october; but all the concert videos are terrible as well as the anime ones.
Tags: aspergers, aspie, blog, blue, brain, energy, extrovert, forgetfulness, friends, friendship, interaction, introvert, mind, much, multi-task, myers-briggs, october, overwhelmed, quiet, relationships, scream, too, vent, venting, youtube
neural pathways and the decrease of novelty
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first of all, this is by no means meant to be a scientific or research-oriented blog but rather an attempt to give voice [or pen] to a thought i had recently. i am sure there are scientific studies that could quantify this thought and draw conclusions to the positive or negative but that is not the purpose of this entry. graduate school, for me, has ended. sometimes a person just needs to think out loud and that is precisely what i am going to do here.
where to start?
over the past few years, i have become increasingly aware of my inability to show or feel either emotional or cognitive responses in a variety of contexts. moreover, when responses are elicited, they do not seem to be at the same level or intensity as they appear to be for others, or for me in past occurrences. for example; i am not easily amused [especially to the point of laughing out loud], i am not impressed by much [be it talent, money, material possessions, art or the like], i seem to have bouts of passion that are single-focused to the exclusion of almost everything else in my environment, and i simply cannot enjoy myself or have as much fun as i see others having or have had myself, in the past.
am i depressed? no [and this has been clinically verified]. am i just a boring person? i really don’t think so [this has not been a lifelong characteristic]. am i perhaps, just getting older and thus less likely to respond to life with the intensity i once did? i rather doubt it given that so many seniors seem to be able to get even more pleasure or intensity of experience out of even the simplest of things.
case in point. i will and can list most, if not all, of the situations that have elicited a strong or more appropriately, significantly measurable [be it positive or negative] response from me over the past (4) years: the birth of my youngest son, the almost-kidnapping of my youngest daughter [ but that’s a story for another blog], the turbulent relationship i had with a friend, coming really close to picking up and moving across the country, a weekend in albuquerque with my biological father, seeing italy with my oldest son and daughter [and now daughter-in-law [ who could not be moved by venice, rome and the beautiful cinque terrre?], my son going to and returning from iraq, my daughter’s diabetes diagnosis, i am sure i have left out a few things but these are foremost in my mind and therefore probably the strongest. hurricane ike, which recently came through houston causing horrible damage to both galveston and 29 area counties did elicit a sort of quiet awe, but not the excitement or panic i would have imagined and had sort of looked forward to.
what i am thinking [short of ptsd which could be a possibility] is that perhaps we, as a people and nation, are exposed to so much, so soon, that hardly anything is a novelty anymore, hence, new neural pathways do not form, the ones we already possess are just strengthened. i would posit that is is the creation of these new pathways by totally nouveau stimuli that elicit reactions, at least in me, to the point to where they are significant. for example, you may never have been to paris, but how many times do we see it pictured in books, on television, and in movies? the point being… you have seen it. sure, it’s different when you go and actually walk the streets of paris, but it is my belief that the experience will be muted at least slightly from prior exposure. reading my personal lists above, i find one thing in common. nothing prepared me for any of these things, they were surprises that i had not encountered before, and in several of the cases, could not even imagine myself imagining, if that makes sense. i was never a history or a geography buff so i was so amazed at the places i visited in italy. venice and rome were spectacular, but one place produced a response of feeling and cognition in me so strong i cannot put words to it. cinque terre. and when i think about it, it was the one place i had not only never heard of, but had little if any exposure to photographs, information or the like. i didn’t know what to expect. a new neural pathway was formed.
- cinque terre, italy
sure, i might be wrong about all of this. i may just be demonstrating increasingly asperger’scharacteristics, i may be responding to prior stresses in my life with a sort of ptsd reaction, or i might just have a very high threshold for response. but, i know one thing. the less i know about something, the more i react to it and with greater intensity that appears proportional to the exposure and likelihood of the event in my life.
just a simple thought turned blog.
Tags: aging, asperger, aspergers, brain, characteristics, cinque, cognition, connections, creation, depression, emotion, experience, exposure, intensity, me, mind, neural, novelty, pathways, preparation, psychology, ptsd, reaction, responses, stimuli, stress, terre, thinking
thinking inside the box is hard!
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the proverbial box
i have always known that i am different. not necessarily special, just different. it has always been hard for me to think inside of the box, for example. i grew up with absolutely no one in my family of origin understanding me and was often ridiculed or dismissed as precocious and independent, and more than once, i was called strange. i felt awkward in most social situations and was more comfortable around adults than children. to me, most children were loud, too rough, and never engaged in any sort of activity that i wanted to participate in – even though i was their age. as an adult, i continued to hear remarks like “she came from a different mold” and began to realize that this was something i would simply have to deal with – being different.
so what is so different about me? it took me a long time to figure out. apart from some personal idiosyncrasies like not liking water on my face, an inability to tolerate loud noises, perseverating on one topic or project incessantly, interrupting people in conversation and in class, blurting out answers to problems before anyone else had a chance, having a hard time making [and keeping] friends, possessing a very strong need for order, having certain taste, touch, and smell aversions, and finding it a chore to listen to others long stories and/or feel empathy for them at times, i seem pretty normal.
throughout my life these characteristics have been given many names and/or diagnoses and many postulations have been made as to why i possess them. turns out none of them were right… until recently.
several months ago i was told that i had many manifestations of asperger’s syndrome [they actually called it asperger’s disorder but upon doing a lot of research i found that it is not actually deemed a disorder but rather a different way of thinking, comprehending, interacting and seeing the world]. basically, my brain was/is wired differently and all of the things i listed above were/are considered normal for someone with this condition. i also learned that asperger’s syndrome is a form of autism and high-functioning “aspies” often do not get diagnosed because they usually have a high IQ and have figured out [by adulthood] how to make their uniqueness work for them. In fact, a lot of famous, albeit often called eccentric people, are believed to have had this syndrome.
Wilkopedia states that Michael Fitzgerald, of the Department of Child Psychiatry at Trinity College, speculated the following were autistic [or aspergerian] in The Genesis of Artistic Creativity:
- Writers – Hans Christian Andersen, Lewis Carroll, Bruce Chatwin, Arthur Conan Doyle, Herman Melville, George Orwell, Jonathan Swift and William Butler Yeats.
- Philosophers – A.J. Ayer, Baruch de Spinoza, Immanuel Kant and Simone Weil.
- Musicians – Bela Bartok, Ludwig van Beethoven, Bob Dylan, Glenn Gould, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Erik Satie.
- Painters – Vincent van Gogh, L.S. Lowry, Jack B. Yeats and Andy Warhol.
and yes, I realize that wilkopedia is not the best [or even a valid] research site but it was the first one to come up when I googled “famous people with asperger’s”, so i will use it this time.
in the midst of this new knowledge of myself, i discovered a single attribute of asperger’s syndrome that explained so much of my difficulty with people in this world, schools of thought and why, the reason why, it is so hard for me to keep my mouth shut [or in my case, my keyboard locked] when i perceive something to be untrue or unjust. evidently, aspies have an overdeveloped sense of justice [i still do not understand how a sense of justice can be overdeveloped].
the resident expert on this syndrome is tony atwood. his site has a lot of good information and links that can be very helpful to an aspie or the people who interact with them.
so anyway, why did i bother to post this? information on asperger’s is all over the web, especially with the recently renewed interest in autism awareness. the reason is simple. since i have discovered a framework within which to understand myself and others, i have greatly improved in my ability to interact with others and allow for “their” differences.
having asperger’s syndrome is not a hindrance to me, my diagnosis [and i am hesitant to use this term as it implies a disorder] has been a significant turning point in my life and the understanding of it a big help.
outside looking in
[with a z]…
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hello. my name is lezlee [with a z].
i was born in the 60’s but love today’s world. i am serial project starter; jumping from one interest to another with little or no warning. inasmuch, i decided to start a blog to both document and combine these sometimes passing, sometimes staying “kicks” that energize my life. these include, but are not limited to; photography, poetry, fashion, politics, books, road cycling, walking, various causes… and of course, anything new and fun that contains at least a bit of a promise toward self or world improvement.
thanks for visiting.
Tags: 40, a, arthritis, aspergers, blog, blogs, bushfield, causes, chewing, fashion, glasses, humor, improvement, interest, lezlee, over, personal, photographs, photography, politics, project, projects, rheumatoid, serial, victoriah, with, wordpress, z
[with a z] ... 
